Searching
by Kitten Kisses
Summary: An AoshiMisao poem from Misao's POV. Freeverse and quite long.


Searching. (Misao to Aoshi)  
I look around me, far and wide  
And see nothing, but the open sky  
I've been looking for you, for an awful long time  
I've finally found you, after much searching  
But I haven't found yet, what I've been looking for  
I've found your body, who you are physically  
But not your heart, your soul, your mind  
They've left you, they're not with you anymore  
You've sealed them away, behind barriers of ice  
Ice is protection, against what comes  
I wish you'd open up more, talk to me for real  
Not sit there like a soulless person  
Someone who has never seen the light of day  
Do you not see, can you not tell  
What is waiting beyond those temple doors?  
If I open the doors, and force you to see  
The real world, beyond your colorless vision,  
Will you come back to me, be who you were before?  
Will your eyes light up like they used to?  
Will the ice fall from your heart?  
I want the warm sun to melt away  
All that keeps your heart locked behind bars  
Like the flowers that come during the spring,  
I wish for your heart to melt like the snow in the sun,  
And for flowers to spring forth shouting their joy to be alive  
You see everything, in what seems to be black and white  
But the world, is so much more.  
My clothes, are blue, and pink.can you not see them?  
If the material is pushed between your fingers.  
Would you not feel it's light texture?  
My eyes, they are sea-green, do you see?  
Your eyes, are ice-blue, did you know?  
The sun is yellow, the grass is green,  
And the flowers along the path are a rainbow  
Can you see them, while you walk?  
The red of the rose, the pink of the sakura petals  
The grey of the stormclouds, the black of your hair  
The brightness of the sunlight, when you look up in the sky  
The softness of a flowers petal, slipping smoothly between your fingers  
Do you remember them? Do you see them anymore?  
Life is a road, and love is the rain  
Pouring down upon the world  
We're walking life's road separately  
Yet, we're together in a sense  
It's strange how things work.isn't it?  
If you lose yourself, your courage follows swiftly after  
So let me catch you, let me be with you  
For as long as possible, as long as I can  
Until you find yourself  
Until you come back to me  
Remember who you are, how you used to be  
But don't dwell on what could have been, or might have been  
But rather, what can be.  
What can you do now, that will shape a wonderful future?  
Ask yourself, who you are inside your sub consciousness.  
Yesterday is the past,  
Tomorrow is the future,  
And today is a gift.which is why it's called the present  
Take advantage of the gift of life  
And look around you  
Today is a new day, with a new sunrise  
And there will be a new sunset  
No day is exactly like the last  
There are new things to learn,  
And different things to do  
I walk beside you, I have been, all this time  
Have you noticed my light steps,  
Beside your heavy-laden ones?  
You walk so slow, with head down, eyes downcast  
As if, you were hiding, from something  
Behind me, are two sets of footprints  
One light, and hardly noticeable, and one dark, and quite visible  
The irony, that your prints are how much you mean to me,  
And my own prints,  
Are how much the world means to me in comparison  
I wish and hope, and sigh and pray  
For the light to come to your eyes  
A spring to your step, and for color to flood your world  
But I have yet to see it.  
And until then. I'll be searching.  
I wonder if you know just how much,  
I am hurting inside,  
It hurts, you know, to feel as if  
Nobody cares, as if you're being ignored  
By those you hold so dear to your heart.  
Do you know, what it does to me,  
When you do not answer my questions  
Or acknowledge my presence?  
The grief that floods my soul  
Each day that you fall further away from me?  
Do you know of the joy, that abounds in my life  
Because you're alive, and well, and with me?  
Of the happiness that I live over and over,  
When you speak to me, or nod at my presence  
Or when that warmth seeps into your eyes, if just for a moment?  
I don't mind, that you're a quiet person,  
That you prefer to think in silence  
Tranquility is important to oneself, I believe.  
But it's as if, you don't want me around  
That you don't wish to see me again.  
Do you see everything, so simply  
That you believe that you know everything  
Just by taking a simple glance?  
Do you think.that you know me  
Anymore?  
You're not who you used to be anymore  
You're not that happier, lighter, idealistic man that you formerly were  
There's a veil overhead, hanging in your eyes  
Obscuring your true identity behind its icy-thin curtain  
Hiding you from the world, from me.  
I've changed too, if you haven't seen  
I'm no longer a child, immature  
Who sees things from an infants point of view  
The world is broad, and color-flooded  
I expect a lot out of my life.  
If I stare at you, for long hours.  
Would you blink, even once?  
Or is the ice in your eyes, in your heart  
Blocking me from your sight?  
Or do you wish for me to be gone?  
I'm so confused, at the way you act  
I know you've done some wrong things.  
Everyone has, and I've forgiven you long ago  
Move on, get over it.it's a thing of the past  
Not erased from our memories, but exonerated.  
I know that you believe that by thinking on your past  
You'll realize your wrongdoings and be forgiven  
But you've been forgiven, and you don't need to realize them  
I know, and you know, that you already know them  
You just have to learn to accept them, within you  
You toss and turn at night, wondering.  
What if? What if?  
I've looked in on you, and I've seen  
The pained look upon your face,  
Though your eyes, were shut tight  
Instead of sleeping, I also ponder, on the What If's of life  
What if you'd never gone, never left me  
Here, alone.without you?  
What if you'd come back sooner?  
Unharmed, and with our friends?  
You want to know 'why?'  
Why did our friends have to die? Why them, and not I?  
There's an explanation for everything, and perhaps  
You were to return instead of them  
For our family, our friends.me.  
Your heart is locked up tight, the key thrown away  
Your life buried beneath the sands of time  
Love, sadness, joy, and wonder  
Tossed out the window, into the raging sea below  
For someone else to pick up, mend, and give back  
You think that you have no honor.  
If our friends died for you,  
And you had no honor  
Then they themselves had no honor  
And I know, that they had honor.and so do you  
I want to know, what you're thinking  
As you sit alone all day in the temple  
Are you still pondering on the past?  
Or upon your future,  
Looking to you, like a closed book?  
What is it that you want, in this life?  
To love, to be loved?  
To care about, to be cared about?  
To want, to be wanted?  
Or is it something more, something I can only hope to understand?  
Do you think that.you're too good for me?  
Because I believe that I'm not good enough for you  
Just a girl, a ninja, not a proper lady  
Like all of the other women in town  
Why would you ever want someone like me?  
Do you think.that I can help you?  
Or would I just be a hindrance  
To you and your ongoing self-battle?  
I would like a chance, to help you if I can  
But I'm unsure of what to do, what to say.  
A lot of hardships, I know you've been through  
Your heart is scarred, your body worn  
And your eyes have grown dull with grief  
But I know that you're the same as then  
You just have yet to realize it yourself  
I try to pick up, the scattered pieces  
Of your life, your heart, your joy, sadness and wonder  
But they're scattered, from here to there  
And as I run to pick them up,  
The breeze blows some of them further away  
Your sadness, it's in my hands  
A fragile thing.some people grow sad easily  
Broken hearts, broken feelings.  
Broken dreams, and broken lives.  
I'm fitting the pieces together slowly, trying to reconstruct what once  
was.  
Your joy.a few pieces I've found.  
You like being treated like we used to treat you,  
So long ago.even though you're not the same person anymore  
You like to be alone to find peace,  
And I hope.that you like my company  
Your wonderment, is lying around me.  
Like a vase that was accidentally upset.  
Flowers gone spilling, water on the floor  
But you still wonder, and think.  
And hope.  
Your dreams, I've found, are fading fast  
But if I hurry, then perhaps I can rebuild them.  
Once upon a time, you wanted a family.  
You could still have that, let me help you.  
I'll do what I can, to rebuild your dreams of the past.  
Your bliss, isn't quite all there.  
Pieces blown, to the ends of the earth  
By quick winds of this world  
You find bliss in the little things  
Warmth, love, and light  
Your love, isn't all completely gone  
I can still see it sometimes.if I watch closely,  
And stay by your side,  
I know that I'll see it once in a while  
Flickering in your eyes in an instant.  
Your confusion isn't always evident.  
Sometimes I believe that you know everything  
Though I immediately correct myself.I know you don't  
You're confused at what lay ahead,  
And not of the past.except what you could have changed.  
Your worry, is all here for me to see  
Lying open in the air, but only for my eyes  
You worry about us, about me.  
About whether or not we'll live another day  
Thank you for caring.  
Your emptiness, all of it, rests in my heart.  
To keep it from draining completely of everything  
I hold your emptiness, to keep it safe  
From all harm, that might try to grab hold  
To take you further away from me  
Your heart, is here, whole, in one piece  
Scars line it, and pieces are gone  
From the battles of love and life  
But I understand, and my hand  
Will guide your heart  
Your life, your past, lies within my memories  
What you used to be, and what you are  
Are two different things.  
But if I look close enough, and listen carefully  
I see that some things, are still the same.  
Your existence, I would like to have  
But I have yet to find it here.  
I'm looking beyond your façade  
That you try valiantly to hold up  
And I think that I'm beginning to see it.  
Your future, I'm grasping slowly  
I want to be a part of it, but I know not how  
I feel that, I want to be with you always  
Through all time, together, you and I  
But only if you'll let me.  
My joy, makes my soul sing  
When, each morning, I see you  
Even when you don't speak  
And don't acknowledge my presence  
I'm just glad that you're there.  
My wonderment, is in trying to figure you out  
I wonder about you all the time  
I wonder, why the sky is blue, and why we are born who we are  
And why some die, and others' live  
And why it's those that are left behind, who suffer the most  
My dreams, all contain you  
I have a dream that, you will come to me  
That you will open up, that you'll come back  
To your former self.But I know it's foolish  
To expect you to change, after all this time  
My bliss, is in knowing you're there.  
You're always nearby, never too far  
Your physical self is back, and that's enough for me, for now  
My heart is blissful at the fact that, even if you won't change back to  
your former self  
You might eventually become a whole new 'you'  
My love, is you  
I only wish the best for you, which is why  
I don't expect you to change too much  
I love you for you yourself  
Not your position, or your fighting skills  
My confusion, centers on your life  
Why you do the things you do  
And not something else  
Why you prefer to dwell on the past  
And not on the present  
My worry, is you  
I worry that you're not going to come back  
That you're going to be gone forever  
You're right before me.yet.  
Your heart and soul are far, far away.  
My emptiness comes in not knowing who you are now  
You're not who you used to be.  
So then.who are you?  
Is there really a façade,  
Or is that your true self?  
My heart is in your hands  
Though you don't know it yet  
Sometimes, you hold it gently, cradling it against your chest  
But other times, it slips and falls, and is accidentally trodden upon  
But it's yours to keep.forever.  
My life, revolves around you  
Where you are, what you're doing  
If you're alright, if you're sick or healthy.  
If you're taking care of your body  
Or if you're being too hard on yourself  
My existence, is right before you  
I'm here to live, and live I shall  
I'd like you to be a part of my life  
My living, my existence  
But I'll understand, if you don't wish to  
My future, is undecided  
Will I go here, or there?  
Or stay right where I'm at?  
I'd rather.if you don't mind  
Share my future with you  
I've missed you, but sometimes I wonder  
If I ever knew you, ever had you here with me  
A smile, I've yet to see  
And I've always wanted to know what it would sound like  
If you laughed.  
Everyone, wants to know the secret of life  
And I think that I've found it  
The secret of life is in loving others  
Cherishing, holding, and caring about others.  
The secret of life, is about those you love  
How long, until we die?  
We could die tomorrow.You're in my heart now.  
And if I died tomorrow, you'd be there forever.  
But I need to know.  
Would I be in yours?  
Do you think about me, ever?  
Have you ever dreamt about me?  
Do you even care.about me.?  
But.more importantly.  
Do you care about anyone?  
I pray every day.that you'll come back  
That you love me, that you want me here  
But I'll never know for sure,  
Unless you tell me yourself.  
And I'm waiting for that moment to come.  
If I asked you if you loved me.  
What would you say?  
Would you turn your back, and go back to meditating?  
Would you look me in the eyes, never blinking, never speaking?  
Or would you turn to me, and say what I want to hear?  
If I asked you if you hated me.  
What would you say?  
Would you say yes?  
Would you say no?  
Or would you tell me that you'd think about it.?  
I love you for who you are beneath it all  
Under all the layers of uncertainty,  
Of confusion, and torn dreams.  
There's my man down there.  
And I love you for it  
The doors are open wide before you.  
Will you choose the path on the right?  
The left path?  
Or the one that lies straight ahead?  
The path less traveled?  
It doesn't matter which path you choose  
Because I'll be there beside you  
My footprints imbedded in the ground  
Lightly, next to your heavy trodden ones  
I'll go, where you go  
Are you happy, the way you are?  
Or do you even remember how to be happy  
After being sad so long?  
It takes time to get over, losing someone you love  
But if you'd give me your hand, I'd help you throughout it all  
If you ask me, how I am today  
I would say I was content and fine  
But I would be lying  
And I know it's stupid, to still be despairing  
Over something just out of my reach  
I'll never give in, I'll never give up  
On searching for who you really are  
I don't judge someone,  
Until I know who they are inside  
And I think, that inside, you're a wonderful person  
I know you're fighting an internal battle  
And I'm here on the sidelines  
Cheering for your awe-inspiring victory  
Over the grief and sadness that have plagued you  
Since your return  
But I'm still hoping, still loving you  
Still praying, still believing in you  
Still wondering, still rooting for you  
Still caring, still trusting in you  
Still dreaming, still waiting for you  
And I'm still looking,  
Still searching  
For the missing pieces  
Of your life, your love, and your dreams.  
But I know I'll find them  
The ice in your eyes, is starting to melt  
And the barrier around your heart is growing thin  
I'm still here with you, I'm still trying  
I'm still searching, and waiting and hoping and dreaming  
And I'll never give up on you  
No matter what it takes, I'll bring you back to me  
I'll be patient, I'll love you always  
And I'll walk beside you, with your hand in mine  
And whatever you do, don't let go  
Because I'm helping you to remember.who you are  
~_+~_++_~+_~  
OMG this is definitely one of the longest poems I've ever written before.  
It's currently entered (along with my sou-chan poem 'empty') in a Kenshin  
poetry contest. ^-^x I had fun writing this one (it took two hours)...I  
would love ANY feedback you can give me, please.  
::Pawprints:: 


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